Why Im Such Grinch At Christmas

It all started about 13 years ago on 23rd December ... I got in the bath, my sister was on the pc, mum was getting ready for bed and all of a sudden there was smoke... the whole front room was Smokey and the tv was on fire, to this day we still don't know if it was an advent candle we didn't blow out or if it was the tv that was just too old, but somehow there was a fire, I jumped out of the bath grabbed a towel and ran out of the house with my mum and sister while calling 999 and panicking about what was going on, I was only just in my first year of high school and I was pretty young so I don't remember in too much detail apart from I was scared, the firemen came did an amazing job and we were stuck without a home for Christmas!

Luckily we could stay at my mums boyfriends for Christmas but it wasn't the same it felt lonely and weird, we had a burnt, black tree, soot covered presents and sod all clothes, although I was grateful for what presents I received the magic had just vanished :( So Christmas always gets me anxious, even though it was so long ago I don't think ill ever get over the intensity and the smell of the soot that night. the agony and pain through loosing my Christmas spirit sent me in a downwards spiral for Christmas' to come.

We spent months in a hotel room while our house was being sorted, eating at friends houses or doing washing at our family's houses it was odd to say the least, Music was my comfort then, Coldplay and all the depressive stuff, but it helped heal me so I didn't feel so broken. Now I have kids I have to pretend to be all festive and excited, I have to make the magic real and the belief stay alive, I have to be happy mummy but its not all an act, I am happy sometimes, making the memories and seeing their faces of utter happiness its just beautiful, its worth all the stress and worry the few days before to make sure everything is perfect for them. Maybe one day ill get over it, my anxiety will fade and the smell will ease my memory, but for now it will still be daunting, Christmas magic was ruined that day but maybe my children can help keep that little spark alive! Mumma X