I Thought I Had More Time

I knew I wouldn’t have much. But I just thought I’d have more. I’m probably making zero sense but in all honesty my life doesn’t make much sense either. Do you ever get like that? The truth is that I’ve had a bad few days, the worst ones in a while if I’m honest. And I really don’t want to sound self-centred telling you but I didn’t know what else to do, other than write about it. And I thought I had more time before I felt like this again. But I didn’t. I’m a bit stuck (and how typical that this week of all weeks is when my counsellor is away on holiday - I honestly find that pretty hilarious). It made absolutely no sense for me to fall so quickly; I spent the majority of Monday crying as a result of laughing at some of the most ridiculous things, also getting incredibly excited when I saw my first ever hedgehog! (My best friend, who lives 2 minutes away from me, somehow failed to mention, throughout the duration of our almost 10 year friendship, that her garden was always full of hedgehogs – I was obviously shocked and subsequently stayed till 11pm to catch a glimpse) Whilst also looking forward to a girls outing to Drayton Manor on Wednesday. My low mood had no place in my life this week. But tally ho then it appeared. It shot me in the face. Not only that, someone pulled the trigger.

To me it seems like common sense not to throw fuel over someone who is already on fire. To say it hurts seems to be the biggest understatement. To say it burns seems metaphorically appropriate but also an understatement. The pain is indescribable. There are no words for it. But it is the person who is dousing you in fuel who also causes a lot of pain. When it is someone close to you, whether that be a friend or family member, it cuts a little deeper. Even having a person you aren’t close to, a complete stranger even, set off a depressive episode isn’t nice. Depression isn’t nice. And it doesn’t always have to be triggered either; sometimes it’s just plucked out of thin air for no reason whatsoever.

As I’m writing it’s becoming clearer that I’ve actually had a few potential triggers this past week. So it kind of makes sense that I’m feeling this way at the moment. I guess the past few days have just been the straw that broke the camels’ back (I really didn’t want to sound too cliché but I failed miserably #SorryNotSorry). The self-hatred volcano erupted, incinerating any positive belief I had, leaving a trail of ash in its wake.

You see, it takes a lot of effort to support me. The past 340 days have been the most horrendous of my life. It’s not easy and people don’t stick around. I’m not saying that to be bitter, I’m saying that to be truthful. It’s tough seeing the way people look at you change. It’s also tough knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. But let me tell you, it’s absolutely excruciating to see the strain supporting me has on those who choose to stay. I’m an added burden to the usual stresses of their day to day lives. So it’s human nature for some to snap. But that doesn’t mean that I am any less affected by this. It just reaffirms my paranoia that I am, indeed, a hindrance; people have enough to deal with let alone deal with me. Moods like this are exhausting. I can’t help but think to myself ‘Is this how it’s always going to be?’ consistently up and down, forwards and backwards. Always a problem to someone. It’s funny because as much as it is frustrating for them, it’s infuriating for me (you know, it being my life and all…).

Unfortunately I cannot undo the cards I have been dealt. So my moods will come and go as they please and my heart will get broken just as its healing and life will keep on (even though I get those days where I want to scream ‘How can you still let time pass whilst I’m still in the same place?!’) and I will waffle away my feelings in some sort of therapeutic way and it’s Christmas in 137 days which is lovely. How odd. I don’t feel as bad now compared to when I first started writing. Maybe I should do this more often. Maybe you should try it sometime. They do say volcanic ash makes for the most fertile soil. Maybe we’re all just about to come into full bloom and we just need to be patient.

Maybe the struggles will lead to something good.

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