INVISIBLE ILLNESS

Since I got diagnosed with my mental illnesses. I’ve been judged.

When I got to get my medication. I get looks by the older generation when the pharmacist says it’s an anti-depressant and mood stabiliser and if I taken them before with the side effects etc. I get the look like I came out in just my bra and knickers? I would understand the judgemental look then, but I need that medication to help me. It’s just like a physical illness. It needs to be treated and stabilised, so it doesn’t get worse. so, I’m getting help. It’s not happy pills. I don’t go on cloud nine every day. I don’t see no fluffy cute animals. That’s just a myth.

Never judge a book by its cover, just because I look fine doesn’t mean I am. You see my illness is invisible to people when I walk in the doctors. I look “fine and “healthy” and that was baffles some people why I’m at the doctors because i look healthy and ok. My illnesses don’t have spots and doesn’t make me have a broken arm. My illness is like a heart attack. Life threatening & silent. Yes, it has symptoms but sometimes we are too strong to get them checked out. Sometimes I am crying into my pillow because my thoughts are too dark then back in 2016/2017 I use to drink 3 bottles of wine to dull the negative thoughts. Before I went to the doctor. I used to go out every Saturday night and sneak in 5 bottles of wine in my house and drink them all just to get the pain to go as I felt like I was going crazy inside my mind.

I used to come back to my house at 5am every morning drunken and probably would try climb up the lamppost or on my car roof by my house to prove to everyone I was “fine and stable” that’s one thing I regret not getting help when I was showing them dangerous signs. Not caring for a world. Putting myself in dangerous situations at 2am in Walsall drunk as anything. I was using alcohol to “try” get rid of the pain. Alcohol isn’t a good solution it might feel like a good solution when you are in pain but the impact after is exhausting and it doesn’t do good to your mental health and physical health. It might feel numbing but the hangovers aren’t worth it! – Please take a look at this short video. – Mental Health & Alcohol I will be doing a post on my alcohol misuse so please keep your eyes peeled for that. I was declining in my mental health and physical health. I put myself in dangerous situations where I could have been physically hurt let alone mentally. I am not proud of that.

Now in 2018. I still drink alcohol, but I don’t drink bottles like I use to do. I tend to just have a glass with a meal or when I’m seeing my best friend I have a glass of purple rain because that’s my favourite drink and I’m happy with that amount because I know it won’t make the pain go away and it will make it worse because the hangover and the effects. I was ill and I wish people would of pulled me aside and asked if I was okay. I knew I wasn’t well but back then I had no idea what mental illness was, and I just thought it was just a phrase until I looked at some leaflets myself while waiting for my doctor’s appointment one day. You see. My bad days show fatigue, headaches and being anxious when the windows are open. Yet, I still smile. My good days show energy, confidence and being over hyper. I still smile. I smile when whatever day I have. I could be crying into my pillows at 2am and still smile if my gran knocked on the door and if she didn’t know about my mental health she’d probably leave me alone. Because I know how to fake smile. That’s the thing with invisible illnesses. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to prove to someone you need help and you need support, so you just smile so they will go away and that’s the worst thing you can do. Just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m recovered or happy. Just because I smile doesn’t mean I don’t need help. But sometimes I do smile because I’m happy with life. Just because I have depression doesn’t mean I’m miserable 24/7.. Just because I have anxiety it doesn’t mean I’m nervous 24/7 That’s stigma. End the stigma now. It does only take a few seconds to either ask someone in person or a text. “Are you ok?” If they are looking a bit stressed and upset. That few seconds could be someone’s start of recovery path and could save someone’s life, trust me you’ll feel amazing if you saved someone’s life. One conversation saved my life. Talking does matter. Conversations do save lives. If Doctor Flenley ignored my plead for help. If I didn’t have that one conversation. I might have not been here today.